Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
