I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
