you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
