There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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