I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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