This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
