i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
