His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
