she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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