I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina just recognized that song.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize