made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
