I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
