You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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