I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
