I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
