I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
