If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
