when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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