I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
