Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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