You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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