why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
