Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
