What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
