I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
