I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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