If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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