I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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