Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
