my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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