He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
