i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
