I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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