Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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