I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
