Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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