Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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