Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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