I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
