i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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