new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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