Little spoons don't ask big questions
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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