this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He? As in you personified your dick?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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