They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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