i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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