i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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