A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize