i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize