Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
