Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
