when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
