Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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