Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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