Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
