Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
